Sunday, July 16, 2006
What do u say about a woman's six sense?
some says woman has strong six sense.
but some says, woman are just being paranoid.
Paranoid, as searched from the dictionary, it means...
1. mental illness in which a person is obsessed by mistaken beliefs.
2. abnormal tendency to suspect and mistrust other people.
to me, paranoid should simply mean three words.
' Think too much '
i do hope im thinking too much.
i do hope wat i sense is not right.
i feel that he is gonna leave me again.
i sense that he will be the 3rd one.
and this time round, its stil ME, who screwed everything up.
despite the fact that he is already under lots of pressure n stress,
i added on to his problem.
i showed him my sucky attitude.
i din understand his difficulty.
i said things which i shouldnt say.
i mentioned that killer word.
' apart '
its all my fault !!!
its All my fault !!!
its ALl my fault !!!
its ALL my fault !!!
maybe if he really leave, i can't blame him.
after all, its ME who caused it to happen.
i screwed everything up.
i mess everything up wif my own hands.
but i din mean to say that...
i said it in a fit of anger.
argh. grr...
shouldnt be speaking for myself.
i'm being stupid, doing n saying things without goin thru my brain, without considering his feelings.
god. save me.
this is a repeated cycle.
when is it gonna end?
i've made dis mistake once.
i scared J away.
i cant afford to commit it once more
and scare V away.
i wanna settle down with him.
but i'm afraid, he is still not very sure about this yet.
he is still hestitating, i suppose.
i really hope i'm thinking too much.
i'm being unreasonable, wilful, not understanding and too dependent.
and my sucky attitude.
god, when can all this go away.
i'm putting in alot of effort to control all dis.
hope he can sense it.
if i mess up everything again, i can never forgive myself.
its not about the quantity.
its about the quality.
it doesnt matter how much time we have on each date.
it matters whether both of our hearts n souls were present or not.
so what if u spend 24hours per day with each other.
u could be thinking of ur friends or even worst, another girl.
i would rather be having short but truthful dates with my boy.
ya, dis is one of my new thinking.
in the past, i just want to be with my boyfriend for as long as it can gets.
i even wished to have all his time.
but now, no no no.
i'm not gonna give my boyfriend anymore pressure.
not gonna stress him over all dis small little nothing.
quality time.
not the quantity.
i love him for who he is now.
i accept the fact that... ...
hope he is not gonna treat me coldly, feelings fade den slowly leave me.
i leave a bad impression.
a black mark.
how am i going to change dis impression ?
i want him to realise
i understand his difficulty.
i've accepted the fact.
i'll learn to be independent.
and the most important, i wanna settle down with him.
i'm veri scare now.
veri afraid.
and when i'm scare or afraid, i tend to be paranoid.
VERY paranoid.
scare scare scare !!!
afraid afraid afraid !!!
scare that he might leave.
afraid that he will be the 3rd one.
i want him to be the last one.
the last one !!!!!!!
somehow, i wish he can get to read all this.
i'm not veri good in expressing myself in real life.
even thru the phone, i might stumble.
sms, how much words can u type in it.
further more, i'm afraid if i keep buzzing him with this topic, he might find me veri fan.
veri irritating.
so i came to blog.
on one hand, to express my feelings.
on the other, hoping he will by chance get to read dis.
but nah~
should stop lying to myself.
he can't even surf the net now.
how to see dis.
so just...
=/
God, please bless n watch over me.
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